Embracing Apologies: How Professor Steve Peters and Steven Bartlett Redefine Strength in Vulnerability

Original Video by The Diary Of A CEO.

Based on the podcast “The Mindset Doctor: The Secret Man Behind The World’s Top Performers”, here are some of the topics discussed by Professor Steve Peters and Steven Bartlett.

The Compelling Takeaways That I Liked in This Podcast

What stood out to me in this podcast was the insightful discussion on the importance of apologising. Professor Steve Peters’ explanation of how our brains process the act of apologising was particularly enlightening. He breaks down the internal conflict between our emotional ‘chimp’ brain, which sees apologising as a loss or a sign of weakness, and our rational ‘human’ brain, which understands the value of maintaining relationships through apology. This segment sheds light on why apologising can be so difficult for some, yet so crucial for fostering trust and understanding in our personal and professional lives.

The Importance of Apologising

Professor Steve Peters and Steven Bartlett discuss the significance of apologising, both in personal relationships and within the broader context of human interaction. They emphasise how our perception of apologising can evolve over time and how it plays a crucial role in maintaining healthy relationships.

1. Shift in Perspective: Steven Bartlett reflects on how his view of apologising has changed over the years. Initially, he saw it as a sign of weakness, but over time, he has come to see it as a strength—an important tool in building and sustaining relationships.
2. Apologising as a Strength: Peters and Bartlett discuss how apologising is not about admitting defeat, but rather about valuing the relationship more than the need to be right. This perspective helps to de-escalate conflicts and shows emotional maturity.
3. The Role of the ‘Chimp’ Brain: Peters explains that the instinct to avoid apologising can be linked to our ‘chimp’ brain, which is driven by emotion and the desire to win or be right. However, the human part of our brain, which seeks resolution and harmony, recognises the importance of apologising to preserve relationships.
4. Overcoming the Ego: They discuss how overcoming one’s ego is essential for apologising. The ‘chimp’ brain might see apologising as losing, but the human brain understands that it’s about maintaining harmony and showing that the relationship is more important than the issue at hand.
5. Apologising Without Admitting Fault: Peters points out that apologising doesn’t necessarily mean admitting fault; it can simply be an expression of regret that the other person is upset. This approach can help in situations where both parties may feel justified in their actions.
6. Impact on Relationships: Bartlett shares personal anecdotes, highlighting how his ability to listen and apologise has strengthened his relationships. By prioritising the emotional well-being of his partner over being right, he has fostered greater trust and understanding.

The Psychological Mechanism Behind Apologising

Professor Steve Peters delves into the psychological mechanisms at play when we struggle to apologise, drawing on his extensive experience in psychiatry and neuroscience.

1. The ‘Chimp’ System’s Demand for Fairness: Peters explains that the ‘chimp’ brain operates on a primitive system that demands fairness. When we feel wronged, our ‘chimp’ brain wants to win, which can make apologising difficult.
2. Human vs. Chimp Response: The human brain can accept unfairness and focus on resolving the situation, while the ‘chimp’ brain is more concerned with winning and being right. This distinction is crucial in understanding why some people find it hard to apologise.
3. The Role of Neuroscience: Peters provides insights from neuroscience, showing how our brains are wired to react emotionally first (‘chimp’ response) before engaging in more rational thought (‘human’ response). Understanding this can help individuals learn to manage their impulses and react more thoughtfully.

Apology: A Tool for Resolving Conflicts

1. Resolving Emotional Conflict: The impulse to win an argument often makes it difficult to apologise. However, by prioritising the relationship over the need to be right, conflicts can be resolved more effectively.
2. The Role of Empathy: Apologising fosters an empathetic connection between parties. Expressing regret for the other person’s distress, without necessarily admitting fault, can help alleviate tension and mend the relationship.
3. Learning Through Reflection: Over time, perspectives on apologising can shift, with it being recognised as a strength rather than a weakness. This growth is essential for maintaining and repairing relationships.
4. Overcoming Resistance to Apologise: The resistance to apologising often stems from an instinctual focus on fairness and self-preservation. This can be managed by reinforcing beliefs that prioritise harmony and mutual respect over the need to win.
5. Shifting Beliefs About Apologising: Through introspection and experience, beliefs about apologising can evolve from seeing it as a weakness to viewing it as a powerful tool for fostering strong relationships.